My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
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