Will you blow on my dice?
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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