i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Randomize
