Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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