I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
