And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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