Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize