i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
