Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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