I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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