Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
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