my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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