in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He? As in you personified your dick?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
