Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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