My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
