So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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