i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
