Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
