hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
