My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
