If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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