Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
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