I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
NoShamevember. You game?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
