I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
