Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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