youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
