I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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