You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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