Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
My penis needs a shock collar
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
