i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
