shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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