I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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