bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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