I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
