Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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