I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
