did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
