Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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