they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Is it because I queefed?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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