i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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