Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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