How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
