I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
