Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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