I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
