you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
