Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
