he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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