hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
