last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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