I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
