Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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