Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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