paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
