She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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