I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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