Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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