HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize