Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
