im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
