Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
