I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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