The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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