then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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